even a stopped clock

I’ve gotten bigger.

I can’t stand it. I think it’s the venlafaxine. It’s terrible. It’s terrifying.

They weren’t supposed to tell me my weight. I asked the nurse not to. She weighed me backwards. Then the doctor asked me, and before I could say I didn’t want to know, she read it out from my notes.

60 kilos.

I don’t understand how that’s even possible. My scale here says 55, and I don’t look any higher than 53. I miss being 51.5. I’m scared of going up and up and up.

Some of it will be muscle, but how much? It can’t be that much. How did I gain this much? How did it happen? I don’t understand. I haven’t changed my eating or my exercise. I’ve hardly even changed my appearance. It scares me that my weight can slip out from underneath me so easily. It scares me that I wouldn’t be aware of it every single second of the day.

I hate it.

Tomorrow I start my hypersomnia meds. Hopefully I’ll lose some weight from those.

I’ve been 116-117 for about a week and a half. I am not okay with this.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

This is not okay.

I know that it should be, but it’s not.